


uncorked

by TransparentSheepDeer



Category: Devilman (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Canon: Devilman Crybaby, Denial of Feelings, Headcanon, Heavily Implied Canonical Ending, M/M, POV Asuka Ryo, hm summary may be misleading but this is not set in episode 10, ryo is bad at emotions: a novel by me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:56:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23230567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TransparentSheepDeer/pseuds/TransparentSheepDeer
Summary: Akira had always been a constant in Ryo's life. Ever since they met, Ryo's purpose had been to keep him safe. He never wonders why Akira is so important in the first place.Except a month later, after a certain realization in Peru, the answer finally presents itself.It's just too bad that when it comes to telling Akira, Ryo gets the timing wrong.
Relationships: Asuka Ryo | Satan/Fudo Akira
Comments: 2
Kudos: 67





	uncorked

“I see the sleeping pills did not work.”

Akira whirled around to him, wings bumping into Ryo’s shoulder. They were leathery and firm, with enough force to set Ryo off his balance. He stumbled a few steps to the right, clutching his shoulder.

When he looked at Akira, he already took on his normal human form. He was in his pajamas, or at least Ryo thought so, given that he was in his boxers and a sweatshirt.

Ryo couldn’t help his lingering gaze on Akira’s underwear and legs. They were long.

Akira noticed this. He tried covering himself with his hands, twisting his legs. “I, uh, probably should have dressed up.”

Ryo swallowed thickly, lowering his gaze to the floor. He flicked with his hand. “No, it is fine. I can lend you some pants.”

Without waiting for an answer, he went back inside from the balcony.

When he returned, Akira was still outside, squirming in the cold.

Ryo approached him, shoving the pants in his hands. “You are allowed to come in, you know.”

Akira was busy with putting pants on, jumping on one leg while pulling it on.

Ryo crossed his arms and waited for him to finish. Akira has not said anything until now, and it was becoming increasingly annoying.

“Why did you come here?”

Akira spared him a look, then he sat on the floor, having decided it was the easier way to dress. “Isn’t it obvious? I can’t sleep.”

“Hmm. You can do that – or _not_ do that at home too, though.”

Akira managed to get the pants on. He did not stand up. “Yeah, I know, it’s just… why, am I, like, bothering you? Is it not a good time?”

Ryo uncrossed his arms. “You are always welcome here,” he said. “I do want an explanation, though.”

Akira avoided his gaze, staring at Ryo’s feet. He made a vague gesture with his hands. “Fair enough. One small problem, though; I don’t know what’s wrong.”

Ryo nodded. He got in front of Akira, offering a hand. “Come inside?”

Akira examined his extended hand, but made no effort to either grab it or stand up himself. “I don’t really feel like moving, to be honest.”

Ryo retracted his hand. “I will get my coat, then.”

He went back inside, getting the coat. He was on his way back when he thought Akira would be cold too, and then got another coat, identical to the first.

Akira was still staring at the ground, frowning, like he was trying to burn a hole through it.

When Ryo put one of the coats around his shoulders, he did not react. Once Ryo was seated next to him, his hands grabbed for the white fabric, frowny face now directed at Ryo.

Ryo thought it was obvious why, so he did not bother with an explanation. “So. What is wrong?”

Akira pressed his lips together, pulling the coat closer to his body. “I just couldn’t sleep.”

There was something he was avoiding, but Ryo did not really know how to make him talk. “Why not?”

Akira shrugged. “No reason at all. Just didn’t feel like it.”

Ryo rested his chin on his hand. “You came here because you wanted to see me, then?”

Akira’s mouth twitched, almost forming a smile, like he thought something was funny. Then he bit his lip, but Ryo already noticed.

“It is fine if you did.”

Akira released a very nervous, uncharacteristic chuckle. “I came here because I… I don’t know, I…” One of his hands went into his hair, combing through it like his life depended on it. “…I just feel so alone.”

Ryo did not say anything, waiting for the elaboration.

Akira’s hand landed with a splat on the ground. It must have hurt, but he had no physical response. “It’s just… so fucking stupid.”

“Go on,” Ryo said. “I want to hear it anyway.”

Akira swallowed audibly. He stared at the ground with wide eyes. Then, he nodded to himself, taking a steadying breath, and finally faced Ryo.

“I… I would like to… spend the night with you.”

Ryo frowned at him, hard. He stayed quiet.

Akira grinned forcibly. “I’m- I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to, to bother you or anything.”

Ryo shook his head, closing his eyes to make Akira’s apologetic face disappear. “Akira, I am not angry at you. If you want to sleep here instead of home, you can.” He opened his eyes. “It is no big deal.”

Akira sighed, and he sounded relieved. “No, I’m just scared I will… do something that you don’t want.”

Ryo raised his hand, palm facing upward. “For example…?”

Akira did not reply for a time, but Ryo was patient. Akira fumbled with his hands. Sometimes, he fixed his coat, pulling it tighter, to the right, to the left.

Finally, after what seemed like an hour, he started talking: “The demon… it’s like, really… _active_ , at night.”

“What does that entail?”

Akira started pulling on a thread in his pants. “I need… I just, can’t calm down enough to go to sleep. I constantly squirm. My pillow is too soft, but if I try a firmer one, it’s too hard. I’m too hot with a blanket, too cold without. I’m too tired to do anything but lay down, but too awake to fall asleep.”

Ryo shrugged. “Sounds like regular insomnia to me.”

Akira shook his head. “No, it’s not. You don’t know what kind of things I think about when I can’t sleep.”

“Tell me, then.”

Akira cleared his throat, and did not go on.

Ryo sighed. “Just rip the band aid off. I will not judge you.”

“All I can think about is to kill someone, or to eat, or…” Akira coughed. He continued quietly: “…or, uh, to fuck.”

Ryo hummed. “In that order as well?”

“Ryo!” Akira’s hand flew in the air, face red. “I’m not joking! It’s _terrible_!”

“Of course, of course.” Ryo nodded vehemently. “You want to kill someone, or eat someone, or fuck someone. I get it.”

Akira gaped at him, like a fish, closing and opening his mouth. “No, I…! I don’t want to _eat_ someone! It’s just the normal _eating_ , like food!”

“…the rest I got right, though?”

“…yeah.”

“Hmm.” Ryo expected as much. For Akira, those things were completely immoral. “That must be really hard for you to deal with.”

Akira exhaled. “I can’t sleep because of them.”

“I see.” Ryo considered how to help him best. “And when one of those needs are satisfied, can you sleep peacefully?”

Akira looked up, thinking it through. “I don’t know.”

“I am asking because we have not gone out in a week, which prevented you both from killing devils, and from eating steaks at my place. Could it be that?”

Akira’s eyes went shining. “Oh! That _could_ be it!” He jumped to his feet, suddenly very much alive. “Let’s go out and kill someone, then!”

Ryo felt a rush of satisfaction course through his body from being right. Still, it was the middle of the night. “As much as I would like that, no.” Akira pouted. “There is a store, however, on the other side of the street that is open 24/7. We can get you something to eat.”

Akira looked like he could jump from eagerness. “Okay, let’s go, then.”

This time, he offered Ryo a hand, and he took it. He expected to be pulled gently, but instead, Akira yanked him to his feet with way too much power. Ryo bumped into his chest, and would have fallen back, had Akira not steadied him.

“I’m sorry!”

As Ryo was slowly coming to his senses, he stared at Akira’s apologetic face. Interesting. Up close, he noticed that Akira’s eyes were much darker in the dark.

Well, duh, obviously.

Akira gripped his shoulder. “Uh… you okay?”

Ryo frowned. “You are still shorter than me.”

Akira blinked. “Am I…?” He stepped back a bit, putting his hand above his head. Then, he slid it forward, and it bumped into Ryo’s forehead.

Despite the cold, Akira’s fingers were very warm.

“Hmm, you’re right,” Akira decided. “I _am_ shorter.”

Ryo was suddenly not so sure why that mattered at all.

Akira reached for his wrist, pulling him inside gently. “So, where is that store exactly?”

Ryo tried to focus again. “It is the same one you got those burgers from. And my nutrition supplements.”

“Ah, I see.” Akira did not let go of his wrist. “Great thing I’m here, huh? Now I’ll make sure you eat something real for once.”

They were at the elevator already.

Ryo felt like he had lost control of his body. Akira was not pulling harshly at all; in fact, the touch was barely there. But it _was_ there, still. And that was something Akira did not usually do; it was Ryo who reached out to him like this. It was always him who pulled Akira into a hug. Akira always let him; but Ryo noticed he never initiated it. So now, he was unsure of what was happening, exactly.

“Hmm?”

“‘Hmm’ what?”

Akira had a weird grin on his face. “Zoning out?”

Ryo frowned at him, though he felt it had no real effect on Akira. “No.”

His friend just shrugged. The elevator’s doors slid open, and Ryo was pulled inside against his will.

Ryo made no attempt to free his arm. “Why the pulling?”

Akira shrugged again. “Not sure you will follow. You’re zoned out.”

“Am not.”

“Mhm.” Akira sounded unconvinced. He pushed a button on the control panel.

When the doors closed, he let go of his wrist and threw his arm around Ryo’s shoulders instead.

Before Ryo could complain, Akira said: “Thank you.”

Ryo was puzzled. “Thank you?” he repeated.

Akira’s hand, the one on Ryo’s shoulder, made a non-committal gesture. “You know… for letting me stay.” The gesturing hand rested on Ryo’s upper arm. “And for going out with me in the middle of night.”

“Of course.” Akira’s arm warmed Ryo’s back. “I promised I would protect you. Your wellbeing is of the utmost importance.”

Akira gripped his upper arm, pulling him close. Akira rubbed his arm, then he abruptly let go, and Ryo bounced back to his original position.

Akira was sometimes weird. Not that Ryo minded, really.

The trip to the store was nothing special. Akira seemed to have forgotten his misery, or at least he looked like he had. He walked along the aisles slowly, leisurely.

Ryo tagged after him with a basket, trying to make sense of him. First, he showed up in his pajamas, staring at the floor, claiming he did not know what was wrong… or had he just made those things up as excuse? No, he was honest with Ryo at all times. He would not lie to him. Then again, the way he behaved right after Ryo suggested they should eat… it was like he had become a different person.

Akira stopped in front of a shelf of cereal and stared at them.

Ryo had a vague feeling that it would be appropriate to say something now, as the silence was uncomfortably long and tense.

Before he could think of something, Akira reached for a red box, pulled it close, and squinted at the ingredients list.

Ryo pretended not to notice it for two whole minutes. “ _Ahem_.”

Akira turned his head to him, slowly. “Yeah?”

Ryo looked at the cereal box in his hand, at Akira, at the basket. “Are you going to only buy junk food?”

Akira shrugged. “What happened to the whole ‘the form of nutrition doesn’t matter’ attitude?”

“Is your demon craving potato chips, perhaps?”

“What do _you_ think it wants?”

Ryo fixed Akira with a look. “I think _you_ want to eat these, but we have to think practically. We should get you something that will make you feel satisfied.”

Akira pouted. “How could you know potato chips and cereal won’t make me feel satisfied?”

Ryo sighed. He grabbed the cereal and threw it into the basket, then made his way to the fridges at the back of the store. Akira followed him, and watched as Ryo chose two kinds of pre-prepared foods.

“I think that still counts as junk food.”

“It has _some_ amount of meat in it, and it doesn’t take long to prepare,” Ryo explained.

Akira gave a soft hum. Then he took off, and Ryo followed him slowly.

Akira was silent for the rest of the trip.

Once they were back, Akira finally made a sound: “Hey, I know it’s selfish to ask, but… would you mind if I ate in your bed?”

Ryo put down the plastic bag that contained Akira’s stash. “Not selfish. Jenny will clean tomorrow, anyway.”

“Thanks, Ryo.” Akira kicked his shoes off, grabbed the bag, and went to his room.

Ryo followed shortly, after he had hung his coat.

Akira made himself at home in his bed, rummaging through the bag of junk food. It occurred to Ryo that they should have put the pre-prepared food in the fridge, but then he decided to not care.

Ryo climbed into the bed and got under the blanket. He hoisted his pillow up, then lay down. He crossed his hands over his chest neatly and stared at the wall.

Akira munched loudly. From the sound of it, he was eating the cereal.

Ryo stroked his own hand with a thumb. “Was that really all? Are you okay now?”

“Yef,” Akira replied with a full mouth. He chewed, swallowed, and added: “I think I’m kinda fine now.”

Ryo looked at his hands, following his thumb with his gaze. “You shouldn’t let your feelings get ahead of you.”

“Huh?”

Ryo sighed. He hoisted himself up and looked at Akira.

Akira had the red cereal box in one hand, a handful of cereal in the other. He made eye-contact with Ryo as he put it in his mouth. Some pieces landed on Ryo’s bed.

Ryo’s eyebrow twitched. “I know that you have had a rough night. And I want to help you. But in my opinion, the best way to handle these situations is prevention.”

Akira nodded thoughtfully, chewing. “Mhm,” he groaned. He then realized he should not speak like that, and swallowed hard. “Mhm, yeah, I mean… wait, what do _you_ mean?”

“I mean,” Ryo said, “that you should start keeping track of your cravings. When you feel them, at what time, if you have any particular triggers.”

Akira nodded, chewing with an open mouth. “I think I already know of a few,” he said when his mouth was not occupied anymore.

“That is great. What are they?”

Akira rummaged in the cereal box. The bag rustled. He took one handful, and finally started eating them one-by-one like a normal person. “It’s always worse at night.” He did not go on.

“…that all?”

“Well… there’s this one thing…” Akira scowled at the cereal. “But I mean, it can’t be related to the demon.”

“If you have the slightest suspicion it _could_ be relevant, you should tell me.”

Akira let the rest of the cereal fall back into the bag. “My parents.”

When he did not go on, Ryo asked: “What about them?”

Akira pulled a mouth. He took his sweet time answering Ryo’s question. “They called me in the morning. Said they couldn’t make it, and they wouldn’t come until next month.”

Akira stared at his stomach, thumbs playing with the hem of his shirt. Ryo tried making sense of what he said, but didn’t succeed.

“I’m afraid I don’t understand what you mean.”

Akira let out a long, strained sight. He leaned back and put his head in his hands, examining the ceiling. “They promised to come. I’m turning sixteen soon, in two weeks, in September, and they promised they would be here. I haven’t seen them in… what is it, four years now? They barely even call. And now, when they would have finally been here, they call me just to tell me they wouldn’t make it. And honestly, the way they have been doing this thing for years, I just… can’t believe that I’ll ever see them again. I mean, they could have moved the date by a week, why did they have to immediately make it a _month_?”

Ryo had listened intently, but he did not know what to say.

Akira sighed again, closing his eyes. “I just… I just feel like they don’t care about me anymore.”

Ah. Everything clicked into place. “This makes you distressed,” Ryo concluded.

Akira laughed dryly. “Maybe _depressed_ is a better word.”

“Doesn’t matter how you describe it. It evoked a strong emotional response from you, which probably caused your symptoms to worsen.”

Akira hummed. His eyes were still closed, but he opened it slightly as he rubbed with a hand. “I guess.” A pause. “But my parents are completely outside of my control. How am I supposed to stop that from happening?”

Ryo shrugged. “Obviously, you cannot change what your parents do. But you can decide how to feel about it.”

Akira opened his eyes, and faced him with a stern look. “Come again?”

“I said…” Ryo cleared his throat, continuing louder, “…you can decide how to feel about it.”

Akira would have immediately started protesting, but Ryo went on: “You _have_ to get a hold of your emotions. You cannot let every little thing upset you.”

“Every ‘little’ thing?” Akira repeated. “You think this is a _little_ _thing_ for me?”

Ryo examined his annoyed face for a while. “I don’t have parents,” he said simply.

Akira’s expression softened. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think of that.”

Ryo shrugged. “It’s just a fact.”

Akira fumbled with his fingers. “My parents are really important to me, okay? And I… when they do this, it makes me feel really sad, and I… I just don’t know how to escape it. Even when I try, I can never outrun it.”

Ryo thought about how to put it. “Listen, you see how this negatively affecting your life, right? You can’t just let your emotions take over and decide for you. We, humans, have weak minds. Thinking with emotions won’t yield rational answers, and exceeds our capabilities. If we don’t think, we expose ourselves to danger. At times like these, it is easier to just forget. To use vices and forget.”

Akira was deep in thought.

“It’s a human habit,” Ryo explained. “Maybe you could learn from it.”

Akira shook his head. “No. I don’t think I will.”

“Why not?”

Akira flung his arms upwards and sat up straight. “I’m not going to just, bottle things up. To hide them, to numb myself. I can’t do that. My feelings are who I am. If I can’t feel anything, then what’s left?”

Ryo frowned, sitting up too. “You will still feel everything else. You will be unbothered by your parents’ actions, but you will still be able to feel good when you do something else.”

Akira shook his head with feeling. “No, no, that’s not how it works. It’s not possible to only numb one kind of emotion. Once you do, all of them will be gone. If I didn’t feel sadness, I wouldn’t feel joy either.”

Ryo’s frown deepened. “Sometimes, bottling things up is the only way, Akira. How else are you going to continue to live, to function, when your emotions bind your hands?”

Akira sputtered his disbelief. “Ryo, do you-? Do _you_ bottle things up?”

Ryo made a non-committal gesture. “The point is that it works.”

Akira shook his head slowly. Tears collected in his eyes.

When he wrapped Ryo in a choking hug, he was not entirely surprised. He tried breaking free to breathe, but Akira just ignored him. He even went on to pull Ryo in his lap. One arm held his back, and the other traveled to his head, stroking his hair gently.

“Ryo! Ryo… I’m so sorry… Everything will be okay, alright? I promise it’s gonna be okay… there, there…”

Ryo fell in a trance. Akira’s fingertips were soft, really soft, and the touch was just barely there. He stroked the nape of his neck, touching where Ryo’s hair was but a millimeter. Then Akira caressed his scalp, moving his hair left and right as his fingers treaded through.

Warmth, like Ryo had never felt before, spread through him. A part of him – small, _insignificant_ – wanted to dive headfirst into the feeling and sink, sink, _sink_ , until he was deep enough to never make it back to the surface.

But he gave such desires no thought.

Ryo pulled away.

Akira wiped the last tears from his eyes. “Even if it works now,” he said nasally, “it won’t work forever. That’s only a short-term solution, Ryo. If you bottle up too much, one day it will blow up in your face – everything you’ve never acknowledged or felt, it will all come back.”

Ryo pursed his lips. “Sometimes short-term solutions are all we have.”

Akira shook his head, sniffing. “I understand. But, I still won’t do that. Even if it makes it harder to control myself… I just want to keep being me.”

There was no convincing him. “If that’s what helps you…”

Akira nodded, rubbing under his nose, and sniffing one last time. “Thank you. For listening to me.”

Ryo shrugged.

They sat in silence for a few seconds.

Akira cleared his throat. “I think I’m going to go to sleep now. Are you…?” He glanced at the pillows.

Ryo shook his head, standing up before the warm bed became too tempting. Before _Akira_ became-

“No. I think I will stay up just a bit longer.”

And he left the room, barely acknowledging Akira wishing him a good night.

The room downstairs was freezing cold.

When Ryo realized there was no way for him to get Akira out of his bed, he pulled his coat on, and fell asleep on the couch on purpose.

* * *

It was incredible how oblivious someone could be when they were not themselves.

Now, armed with knowledge of his real self, Ryo was particularly annoyed by the guy sitting next to him on the plane from Peru to Japan. It was also quite annoying how slow human travel was. The entire flight was _a_ _day (!)_ long.

But there was no real use being angry about it. So Ryo did his best to make himself comfortable in his seat and stared into space, deep in thought.

When he was a child, Ryo beheaded a girl’s doll, and she cried. When Akira’s fish died, he cried too. One time, Akira’s shoes were stolen, and it wasn’t until Ryo roughened up the thieves that he got them back. At winter, they bathed in a spring bath, and Ryo didn’t understand why Akira wouldn’t let him attack the capybaras. On the day of the solar eclipse, Akira stopped to examine the lights cast by a tree, and Ryo explained the pinhole theory to him. They then watched the solar eclipse together. In the spring, Akira’s team lost a track race because Ryo wouldn’t take the baton, he wouldn’t run.

Akira had held the box with the kitten in it close to his chest. It was over; the kitten had been attacked by a dog. There was no saving it. Still, Akira hadn’t let Ryo kill it. The rain was pouring the next day, and Akira still went to look after the cat. He didn’t know there wasn’t anything he could do at that point. And yet, the dead cat was the one who got shielded by the umbrella. Maybe Akira thought he had failed and was trying to punish himself.

But it didn’t really matter what Akira thought. Ryo knew there was no point in agonizing over the cat. It was already dead; but _Akira_ was still there, slowly freezing in his wet clothes.

With his memories back – every single one, including the ones from his early human life – it was easy to understand now.

Now that the he knew, and there was nothing left to mull over, Ryo got bored. He pulled out his phone, and opened his gallery without thinking. It was full of pictures of Akira and him, of course. Most of them had been saved from Akira’s mother’s phone, but there was one, just one, that was taken recently.

Ryo touched the photo in question. It went full screen, and Ryo barely recognized the person he used to be.

The picture was taken in a forest. Akira had insisted they took a walk, and for then-unknown reasons, Ryo had agreed. Once they had reached a clearing, Akira made them sit. Then, he had taken out his phone and asked Ryo to take a picture of the two of them. Ryo remembered that when making the request, Akira had slightly mispronounced the word ‘selfie’.

Ryo had told him to get closer so they would fit into the picture. Akira had listened; a little too much, even. He had completely pressed up against Ryo. He had thrown his arm around his shoulders, pulling him between his legs. Akira had even put his face on Ryo’s shoulders, so close that their cheeks touched.

It had thrown Ryo completely off his rhythm. He hadn’t expected Akira to get that close. He also hadn’t known how warm Akira’s skin was, and he couldn’t stop himself from hugging back. For the sake of the picture, he had told to himself.

Ryo examined his own expression. He actually looked like a deer in headlights. He looked shy, uncertain, confused.

Back then, he had let Akira go. He always did. He figured that a hug could express affection, no matter how long it lasted. So he always made sure to never hug him for too long.

 _For too long_. What a stupid fucking concept. When he finally got back to Akira, he would hold him for an entire minute. No – _ten_ minutes. An hour. Two hours. He wanted to make up for all the time he had lost, all the things he had missed out on. Every fleeting desire, every touch, every look. He wanted it all.

He was getting restless. It was still mandatory to keep the seatbelts on, but Ryo was growing uncomfortable from sitting. He wanted to stand up and walk around.

He opted for bouncing with his leg. The guy next to him gave him an annoyed look that Ryo ignored.

The boredom started to get to him, and he had not even been flying for an hour.

Ryo pulled out his phone again. This time, he opened his chat messages with Akira and re-read their conversations. Most of it was boring. Ryo had kept everything impersonal, never responding to Akira’s memes, jokes or other conversation starters.

Ryo was quite annoyed with himself. Even their last conversation had purely been an exchange of information, Akira asking for the location of his foster father, and Ryo sending him the coordinates.

Ryo put his phone away. Once he was with Akira, they will talk non-stop. Ryo will ask about his opinions and share his own. Engage in his small talk. Debate the meaning of life and love, like Akira had tried to once, after that demon-woman’s death.

But Akira and their future conversations were still more than twenty three hours away.

Ryo decided to spend the rest of the trip sleeping. There was no point in staying awake. He had gotten almost complete control of his body, so falling asleep and _staying_ asleep should not be a problem.

He covered himself with a blanket and tried finding a better sleeping position.

He lay there for about five minutes before he got annoyed by the fan above his head. It was such a stupid, small nuisance, but the gentle breeze got under his clothes and made him shiver.

Ryo turned off his own fan, but the guy next to him kept his on. And that one was close enough to continue blowing the cold air straight into Ryo’s face and creep down his neck.

Ryo wanted to hit the guy in the face and yell at him for not turning the fucking thing off. But seeing as the flight was really long, he chose to calm down instead.

His mind went back to Akira. Specifically, the night when he had come to him and Ryo had made a point out of not sleeping in the same bed. He thought of the time Akira had pulled him in and stroked his hair. He remembered how warm Akira’s embrace had been. How gentle his fingers had threaded through his hair.

The fan wasn’t annoying anymore. Ryo could only think of Akira, and how warm he made him feel.

He changed his mind. A two hour hug will not be enough. Ryo wanted to spend an entire night in Akira’s arms. From now on, Ryo wanted to spend every night with Akira.

And he would.

And with that thought – the promise of Akira’s warm embrace – Ryo could finally fall asleep in the cold.

* * *

When he finally arrived at Akira’s place, he found the door locked. Annoying, but he followed the human custom of ringing the doorbell.

About ten seconds passed, and Ryo’s patience slipped. He was now pressing the button with his fist. When he heard footsteps, he stopped.

He hoped Akira would let him in, but instead, a guy in a snapback answered.

He glared at Ryo. “What do you want?” His glare dropped, turning into a frown. “Wait. I know you.”

Ryo had no time for this. “Everyone knows me.”

He pushed past Snapback and went inside.

“Hey!” Snapback yelled. “You can’t just –” He grabbed Ryo’s arm. “What do you think you’re doing?!”

Ryo was just about to knock Snapback’s head off when he remembered: he had come for _Akira_. So instead, he just yanked his arm away.

“I came to see Akira,” he declared. “Get out of my way.”

Snapback protested, but Ryo strode past him, looking for Akira.

Apparently, Snapback was not the only guest at Akira’s place right now. Other boys looked at Ryo in surprise, and a girl stood in front a TV with her back to Ryo.

The TV was the only source of light in the entire house. The screen displayed a short message on a blindingly white background.

The girl was in sportswear. The other humans were on the couch, but Ryo could only take out minimal details of their appearance. One human had a straw hat. Next to him was one in a dark coloured pullover. There was another one behind the couch.

The girl turned to Ryo, and finally, Ryo spotted _him_ ; the most important of all.

“Ryo!” Akira sounded like he had not expected him. “What are you doing here?”

Ryo made his way to him, ignoring the rest. “I need to talk to you.”

“Right now?” Akira glanced at the other humans. “Can’t it wait?”

“No.” Ryo put his hand on Akira’s shoulder. “It can’t.”

The girl protested, and Akira made a pointless apology to her, saying they wouldn’t take long. Ryo excused him, knowing how important social conventions were to Akira; but _he_ would be the one to decide when they were done.

He pulled Akira along with him before someone else tried to argue.

Once they were outside, the cold hit Ryo in the face. The street lamps provided even less light than the TV inside, but at least it was quiet now.

Akira wore a t-shirt. His skin was burning under Ryo’s cold fingers. It was a cold summer night, but Akira couldn’t have felt it.

Ryo pulled him still, although slower now. He was cold. The urge to get that warm embrace from Akira grew, but Ryo wanted to talk first. And because he suspected Akira’s guests would try to eavesdrop, he made Akira sit in his car. Once they were both seated and Ryo had turned on the engine, he started talking:

“I’ve been to Peru, and have come to some conclusions.”

Akira turned his body in Ryo’s direction. He leaned against the door. His frame was only lit by a single lamp a few feet away from the car. Ryo could only see one side of his face properly. He was too far away to take out the rest of his features. There was too much space separating them.

Suddenly, Ryo was quite annoyed by the lack of backseats in his car.

“What conclusions?” Akira asked quietly.

Something was not right. Akira was not as enthusiastic as Ryo thought he should be. Nevertheless, he forgave him.

When Ryo was about to go on with his speech, the street lamp blinked rapidly, taking away Akira’s attention. Ryo waited for the phenomenon to end in an angry silence.

After a few seconds, the lamp finally calmed down. Ryo took a deep breath, then-

-there was a loud click, and everything went dark.

Ryo _tsk-_ ed. His stupid human eyes were not suited for the dark. He reached for the switch on the car ceiling. It was even dimmer than before, but it was something.

The yellow light did not do Akira any good; it only managed to enunciate the dark circles under his eyes.

Akira was staring out through the windshield.

Ryo frowned.

Akira ignored him still. “They said this would happen,” he murmured to himself. “That everything would go dark…”

Ryo leaned onto the steering wheel, examining the sky. He tried to see what Akira was looking at. To his surprise, instead of the unending darkness, he saw the stars. Millions, billions of _stars_. The electricity must be gone in entire Tokyo.

“You can see the stars clearly,” Ryo noted. _If only the humans were gone…_

“Yeah,” Akira mumbled. Ryo heard him reach down to pull a handle. He saw him slide forward with his seat from the corner of his eye. Akira put his elbows where the airbag was and rested his chin in his hand. He stared into nothing. “Everyone is dead…”

 _No, not yet_ , Ryo thought.

He spotted the moon among the messy array of stars. A memory resurfaced, old but clear; he and Akira, laying on their backs as children, staring up at moon. Akira pointing at it. _Look, Ryo. A rabbit_.

“The rabbit is probably dead.”

“What rabbit?”

“There’s no rabbit on the moon,” Ryo said, “I saw it with my own two eyes.”

“What are you talking about?”

Ryo didn’t hear him. He was lost in thought.

He thought of all the times Akira tried to talk to him, to hear Ryo’s opinion, and every time Ryo shut him off. He remembered how he never wanted to ponder whether demons could love, how it felt like to not have parents around, why he should care about humans killing other humans out of fear. He never tried to keep their conversations going, instead opting to act professionally. Sticking to dates, facts and instructions. As if he was talking to his irrelevant colleagues, not _Akira_.

Ryo had reached out to Akira countless times. When Akira was upset, he gave him a short hug and told him he would protect him. When someone threatened his life or identity, Ryo killed. When Akira needed to forget, Ryo gave him cash and sent him on his way.

But he had never noticed that Akira kept trying to reach back. He hadn’t known there were different ways to care about someone.

So now, it was time for Ryo to meet Akira in the middle and try his method: _talking_.

“Back then, when we were kids,” Ryo said, “I didn’t know what you meant.”

Akira was still, very still. He was listening to Ryo.

“Love doesn’t exist,” Ryo went on. “There’s no such thing as love. Therefore, there’s no sadness.” He paused. The final sentence was about to come. Something he had never said before. “That’s what I thought, at least.”

This was Akira’s cue to respond.

He missed it.

“Akira.” Ryo looked at him, leaning closer. “Why am I the only one talking?”

Akira wasn’t looking at him or the sky. His head was between his elbows, hiding his face.

Ryo reached out, hand glowing as it passed under the light. “Akira?”

He only noticed now that Akira’s shoulders trembled softly. Ryo’s hand made its retreat.

Had Akira been paying attention to him at all? Had he not been listening? Had he not heard- not _realized_ that Ryo understood now? That he finally _understood_ what was going on in Akira’s head? That he was finally willing to listen, to share?

What could possibly be more important than that?

Maybe he just had to explain it further. “Akira. Right now…” He touched his own chest. His fingers were icy. “…I’m feeling something.” Suddenly he felt like he had not reached the conclusion at all. “What is this?”

Akira kept ignoring him. He sniffled into his arms. But that made no sense; why was he crying? This was supposed to be a moment of celebration, so why…

Ryo was bearing himself to him, and Akira didn’t respond. Yes, Ryo _must_ have gotten something wrong.

“Tell me,” Ryo blurted. “What _is_ this, Akira?”

Akira raised his head. In the light, Ryo could see that his eyes were puffy and red. Traces of dried-up tears ran down his cheeks.

He did not look like he was supposed to look; happy, proud, relieved. No; there was something else on his mind, something that had no right to take Akira’s attention away from Ryo.

Ryo scowled. “Feel what _I’m_ feeling right now,” he commanded.

Akira stared at his own lap. New tears bubbled from his eyes, glistening in the light.

Ryo was starting to get frustrated. “Listen to me!”

Akira shook his head slowly.

“Akira.” Ryo’s hands launched forward, getting a hold of his face. “Look at me.”

Akira refused to do so.

Ryo’s body faded into the back, floating aimlessly as he was overcome with a childish panic. “Respond to me!”

What was happening? Why wasn’t he saying anything?

_Had Akira felt like this when Ryo had avoided his questions?_

Akira swallowed hard. His eyes met Ryo’s. They were darker than normal because Ryo couldn’t pull him close enough to the light.

Ryo looked for any clue, any hint that would reassure him that Akira was following his speech.

But reading him proved to be much more difficult than Ryo had thought. He saw nothing in Akira’s eyes. Nothing. There was no movement on his face.

Ryo jolted when Akira suddenly put his hands – _warm_ – on his. But, instead of staying there, they just pried Ryo away from his face. Akira held his hands in front of his chest.

“A few hours ago,” Akira rasped, “I buried my family.”

Ryo stared into his eyes. “So?” It was getting harder to keep a respectful distance from him, to not pull him into the embrace Ryo had promised himself on the plane. “You’ve been with _me_ until now.”

Akira got very still, eyes wide.

This could be it; he understood now. He understood what Ryo was trying to say.

But he was quiet. Too quiet.

Ryo examined his face, searching for something that gave away how he felt. He found none. “Say something.”

A laugh escaped Akira’s lips. “No,” he muttered, “I won’t.”

He threw Ryo’s hands away, grabbing for the door handle-

“No-! Akira-!”

-and there was no stopping him.

Ryo jumped out of the car and paced after him. The cold air got under his coat, leaving goosebumps on his skin and making him shiver. He tried to ignore it and went around the car to Akira’s side.

Akira was not there anymore, obviously. He could perfectly see in the dark, an ability that Ryo lacked.

Ryo assumed he wanted to get back inside. His suspicion was confirmed when he heard Akira’s shoes clank on the asphalt. He was moving fast, and the quick, sharp sounds gave away his exact location, so Ryo caught up to him soon enough.

He guesstimated where Akira’s arm could be and grabbed for it blindly. He caught something horizontal – his shoulder. Quickly, Ryo slid his hand down and secured his grip on Akira’s arm. He pulled, trying to make him stop.

Akira let him, stopping dead in his tracks. Ryo, still trying to restrict him, crashed into him.

“Did you _ever_ care?”

Ryo had no answer for him; he was disoriented. He only _heard_ Akira, and he hadn’t expected an accusation.

Akira’s arm was snatched from him. As Akira whirled around, Ryo took a step back.

“ _Did you?!_ ”

Ryo wanted to take another step backwards. He held up his hands in defense so Akira could see them. Akira couldn’t just abandon him and retreat to his house. “Akira, don’t just leave me alone.”

Akira scoffed. It was loud; he must be standing close. “Is that really all you care about? Ryo! My foster parents- Taro- they’re _dead_. Everyone I love is leaving, and y-you don’t care!”

“Akira.” Ryo took a cautious step toward him. The ground was soft – _grass_. “I’m trying to tell you that I understand you.”

Really, it was obvious: Akira felt love for everyone. With some of them gone now, he was sad on their behalf. Love existed for Akira. Therefore, sadness did too.

Akira huffed. “If you really understood me…” His voice moved in the dark. Ryo tried turning in its direction. “…you wouldn’t try so hard to convince me.”

The sentence was not even finished yet when Ryo heard him walk away.

Ryo took off after him, but Akira was too fast. By the time Ryo reacted, Akira was already opening the door. Ryo raced to the sound, but once he stepped on the porch, he heard the door lock shut.

The door was nearer than he had expected, and he collided with the surface – _cold, thick glass_ – headfirst.

His head buzzed from the hit. Ryo could feel the inner walls of his fucking skull. His eyes went wide from shock, and for a moment, he thought he had cracked his skull open and he would die.

Both hands flew to the throbbing area – no fluids. It “only” hurt.

But he could still be concussed. Fuck.

One hand tried the door handle. It did not budge.

“Akira!” Ryo banged frantically. Every hit sent a jolt up his spine, straight to his injured head. “Let me in! Don’t leave me!”

The door stayed shut.

Ryo placed his ear on the cold glass, trying to make out a sound. He heard none – his heartbeat was too loud.

He hit the door with a flat hand. “Please don’t go!”

Absolutely no response from the other side. Akira might not even be there to hear him.

Ryo gave up. He pressed his forehead to the glass. For some time, he listened to his own heartbeat.

He felt small. Maybe he was, too. The dark could swallow him like it was nothing, and Akira wouldn’t even notice.

He banged his fist one last time, barely putting any effort into it. “Say something… Akira…”

It was no use; Akira wouldn’t come out to him. He was gone.

He left.

He lost Akira.

Ryo backed away from the door, slowly.

It was cold.

Why did he stay out so long in the cold?

His hand combed through his hair. What was he going to do now? He stood here, shivering in his coat, and he had no plan.

But…

He frowned to himself.

Had he not been clear enough? That he wanted Akira to talk to him? That he promised him that he would respond, that he would engage, that he would never leave his side?

His phone buzzed in his pocket.

Ryo kept staring at the door, reaching for the device without looking. He held it in his hand for quite some time. He couldn’t make himself focus long enough to actually unlock it.

When he did, his eyes complained from the sudden light. Ryo squinted as he set the brightness low.

He had an unread message from Psycho Jenny. _Where are you._

Ryo almost sighed in relief. _The propaganda film._ Of course. The broadcast. The final push.

He walked back to his car slowly, smiling as his nerves settled down from the shock.

He still had a chance to make Akira his. He just had to take it.

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to to write a fic with Ryo's Last Speech with an entirely different scenario for ages now and finally got depressed enough to do it lmao. this started out as a purely Ryo vs Satan fic, I wanted to write them as almost polar opposites/different characters (Ryo being unaware of his feelings but still trying his best to care for Akira, and Satan being very in touch with his feelings for Akira but completely disregearding what Akira thinks), but I'm sorta glad that I found a way to write it more as a character arc instead.
> 
> anyway thank you for reading :) I appreciate if you leave kudos & comments (and if you have some opinions about Ryo vs Satan differences do share them because I am really interested)


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